So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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