Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
