The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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