I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
