I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We have started to decorate penises.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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