My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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