I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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