I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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