Don't you send me to vm
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
