I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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