Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
