Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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