I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
