You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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