I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the condom got lost in my hair
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
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