Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
