I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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