I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
