I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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