you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize