I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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