I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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