I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
