What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
