the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
