he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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