oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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