ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
