i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
