dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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