ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
