Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
