i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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