my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
