I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
