i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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