Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
