If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
