If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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