Please, let me fuck your mom
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
