i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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