Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
