I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
