Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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