got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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