I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
