I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
