can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
