I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
