someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
