someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
When did angry sex become our thing?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
