i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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