I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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